My favorite subject...

It's a boy...

It is truly amazing how so many unexpected feelings and emotions are experienced from pregnancy and motherhood. This time around I was shocked by my reaction to what sex I was having. I never thought I would feel so consumed by my feelings over the fact that I am having another boy. I thought I would be elated to know Ayden was going to have a brother to play and grow with. Yet...I was preoccupied by the idea in my mind that I tried for a girl, and so I should have a girl. Oh, the things we can't control, and when they control us it feels like we have lost everything. I had hopes of adorning a baby girl with all the precious girlie clothes, dolls, and toys. My dreams of sharing in spa days, flick chicks, and handing down my over 200 barbie doll collection to her was destroyed. Not to say a boy may not be interested in these things, but from my experience so far I am alone in this arena. And then there is the idea of how can I love another boy the way I love Ayden? How can he be as adorable, and handsome, and smart? I sat with these feeling for 2 days, while I continued to struggle with the idea of how I could continue to be a good enough mother and person. Feeling I could simply just not do it anymore. Talking to friends and family who had experienced similar feelings felt reassuring, but didn't take away the sadness. I needed to be reeled back in and remember that some of the feelings are very real, yet these too were exasperated by my hormones taking over my body every day. I realized that even though these feelings needed to be experienced, I also had to get my life back and take control over my mind. So...I took the step to help myself and reach out for the support I needed, and it was there to be that voice inside of me that was there all along, yet not ready to be heard. And with a few simple words of acceptance for what I was experiencing, and knowledge of the strength I and us all have inside, I was ready to move on. And I did. I am more joyful now, and excited at the arrival of this new addition to our family. I not only have had the opportunity in the creation of such an amazing child already, I can not imagine what is to come. With all the hardships, and sleepless nights we have ahead of us there is nothing more miraculous then a child. I am so blessed to have been given the opportunity for one, and now another. As my teacher said to me..."as they take everything from you, they also breath life back in fuller and stronger."

To every season...

Each season brings with it it's own taste of creativity. Autumn is a time of transition, change, and watching life and death occur all around us. The blooming of flowers, plants, and trees from Spring and Summer to flowers and leaves dying and falling. The harvesting begins where an abundance of fruits and veggies adorn us and the animals. Light falls into dark much earlier and our days become shorter. Creativity is happening all around...true inspiration.

Love, love, and more love

Vacations really do make a difference

No worries, easy living, and beauty all around. Vacations make everything ok. No matter where you are, or what the weather be, time away from the realities of life are a necessity. Nothing else matters but those around you and all the life there is about. It is magical! 

Grateful...

Trusting that everything is going to be ok. Trusting that what happens happens for a reason. Trusting this is all part of my journey and I am just on my path. Being grateful that I am living my beautiful life I have envisioned. Faith, trust, love, and gratitude. 

Explore the seasons, create 

what you see, and cherish the moments as they are happening just the way they are. See all the beauty around.

Transitions with uncertainty

Pregnancy and bleeding, selling a home in the midst of a financial world crisis, and finding a new home for a family of 4. Trying to stay relaxed and take care of oneself during all this is truly a difficult task. I am finding there to be no time to think or be creative. I have not taken any time to feed my soul, and I know this is something I NEED!!! Getting caught up in all of this chaos all while raising a 2 year old I have become lost. Where am I?  I need to find myself again and come back into my self. Recognition is the first thing, and now I must do. So...I am going to make a pact with myself to find at least one thing a day that feeds me. All ideas are welcome. And just a reminder to myself how blessed and grateful I am for all the wonderful things I do have...

I am in love...

I got the canon eos rebel xsi and it is beautiful. Here are a fewpics out of many...

Boys will be boys...

Sometimes it is nice to have a little support, understanding, and re grounding to know you are not insane. Raising kids is not an easy job, but it is also not a chore and it doesn't need to be taken so serious all the time. I sometimes find myself stuck in a rut where I feel like everything is going wrong, and I feel like I just can't do it anymore. Gosh is this normal, but it also doesn't mean it is true. As Ayden goes through these phases of being his age and gender I forget he is doing what he should be doing. I just need to find ways to not look at it as if he is doing this to me. This is hard...very hard. Especially when I haven't had a good night sleep, or I haven't had any space to myself, or my new $2K laptop has been destroyed due to Ayden spilling coffee all over it, or Ayden has smashed a toy over my friends 8 month old...oh the list could go on forever. I could become trapped in a dark cycle believing my son is possessed, and I can label him with so many disorders that I see coming down the road...this is where being a therapist I need to be careful. So...how do I pull myself away from all my craziness?? Therapy, good books on the topic, and friends. Without these things I would be a mess! I am truly grateful that I allow myself to be open to these resources, and that they are there for me. These past couple of days have been challenging, but in a positive and fun way. I look at Ayden and am blown away with who he is. What a beautiful being that was once not even the size of a peanut. I am simply left breathless!

p.s. for those of you with boys who need some reassurance or some pointers here is a book I found to be helpful...

the school year is upon us...

We finally received Ayden's paperwork to begin his first pre school experience. Although it is only 2 days a week for 3 hours each day it feels like a big deal. The little guy is beginning his separation and getting out in the world. I have no idea if he will cry, be happy, or be numb to the experience. It is unpredictable with Ayden. And...I have no idea what I am going to do with my time. It may go by really fast or it could seem like forever. I guess I will find out soon and have more to share Sept. 9th. On a side note... I am a bit perturbed by one of the letters I received along with the paperwork, stating that The state of NJ is now mandating kids 6 mos. + are required to receive the influenza vaccine by December 2008. I understand mandating most of the vaccines but varicella and now influenza. Very frustrating! 

Something I want and need...

I have been missing my photography lately. Since Ayden was born I have been so focused on taking candid pictures of him. I don't stop to take the time and photograph him as I would other subjects. I don't know if this is due to the fact that he is my child and that in itself makes it very hard to not be distracted by his every move. Or... if it is related to the issue that I have solely been using a point and shoot. I miss the beauty of crispness and having the ability to play with each image. I think I have found a DSLR that is reasonably priced and suits my needs. It is also rated #1 in popular photography magazine. The Canon EOS rebel XSi. Maybe, if I am lucky, I will have my hands on one of these bad boys in the coming year. Fingers crossed. 

quinoa paella

I love cooking without a recipe. I realize I do not do this enough. I also don't cook as much I would like to. I have been feeling a bit uncreative lately so I had the urge to do something that would be fulfilling for myself and my family. So...tonight I made a dish using one of my favorite grains, quinoa. I decided to be a bit daring, since I tend to be very picky with food, and I added a few more nutritional and flavorful ingredients. These included fresh spinach and red and yellow baby tomatoes from our farmers market, mushrooms, potatoes, white beans, and shrimp. I had found some interesting miso dressing at whole foods, which was so delicious and I decided to add that to the mix along with my other usual spices and cheese. I have to say it was awesome! And...Ayden kept asking for more. 

My Greatest Teacher

This is my best reminder of how to maintain flexibility in my life. As children we easily contort ourselves into these positions and stay there for hours with ease and comfort. As adults it takes us years or maybe lifetimes to master the flexibility of such a natural pose.  We become so regimented and stiff as we age, and our bodies show this. We lose the range of motion we once had and we strive every day to get it back. So I look at Ayden and remind myself,  I once was like this and so I can be again.  Another lesson my 2 year old has taught me. My greatest teacher!

Painting with marbles, sand paper, sponges, and hands...

Ayden woke up from his mid day nap to a nice surprise...an array of paints and tactile objects...

As we stepped into the kitchen Ayden's eyes lit up and a huge

 smile appeared. It was magical.  Here Ayden could express himself and engage in a productive activity where his 2 year old angsts and confusions could be supported and nourished. This activity provided Ayden with an outlet for his frustration and excitements.  I observed Ayden as he carefully approached the materials with boundless curiosity and wonderment. Checking out each object with every sense...rubbing, feeling, touching, smelling, and even tasting these materials. After the explorations were complete, Ayden moved on to use each material in his own way. Finding different ways to apply the materials together or separate. 

The creativity was perpetual...paint on the

sand paper with the sponge, sponge with no paint on the sand paper, marbles with paint on the sand paper, marbles dipped in the paint, hands in the paint on the body, hands with paint on the sand paper, paint

 in the hair... The options were endless, and could have lasted for hours. I sat there behind my camera capturing every moment I possibly could, so not to miss a millisecond of this beauty. I am filled with tears of happiness, thrilled at the idea that I was able to offer my son something that is so close to my heart.  As an Art Therapist and a mom, I revel in the beauty of my sons explorations and creativity. Pure delight!

We all need a cocoon to become a butterfly

AHHHHHH!!! After days of brutal attempts to get Ayden to sleep for both naps and bedtime I found a solution....a cozy crib tent. This sounds so simple and once I used it, it was. But it was a lot more then this. The entire experience was a lesson of growth for both Ayden and myself. Ayden is only being a 2 year old boy, but with that comes a new birth. A separation that needs to take place. I know all this from a professional standpoint, but let me tell you, going through it in a personal experience is MUCH different. Ayden is learning that he is no longer part of me, and that he can go out into the world and be his own person. Although, with this comes a lot of questions and feelings that have not surfaced until now...fear, loss, excitement, anger, etc... Ayden needs to push and pull to gain control over himself and his environment. Yet, with this push and pull comes a lot of confusion and frustration for myself. I then begin to experience the same feelings that are being aroused in Ayden . I was lost, out of control, and angry!! Until I could own these feelings and then find the support and holding I needed from the world was I able to gain the control over myself. I had to realize that I can do this. I am a strong independent woman with the tools and growth to believe that everything is going to be ok, and that I can get through this, and not everything needed to fall apart. So... I found myself at the park one afternoon searching for someone to hold me. And there she was, a friend. I found her and I reached out to her. And she was there to help guide me and I allowed her. She suggested another approach to Ayden's jumping out of his crib, bed, and gate. A crib tent. It was a simple solution but it also had to come with the idea behind it that I could trust myself. Ayden and I needed structure, boundaries, and containment to know it is ok to go outinto the world and be our own person. We all need a cocoon to become a butterfly.

A picture is worth a thousand words...

This was actually taken a couple of months ago before the terrible 2 birthday beginnings. Oh yes, they have begun. I thought they had begun 5 months ago, but now I realize that was really light rain drops leading up to the big storm. My energy has now been depleted from 50% to 10% and I may be generous here. I can not imagine how others do it with another child. BIG kudos to you all patient and brave mamas out there. You know who I am talking about.

I do not drink often but I am sitting here with a BIG glass of wine to help calm my body down from the rigorous day we had. And...as I sit here this very picture I posted was played out AGAIN. Ayden sticks his head into Lyla's face while Lyla growls, shows her very pretty teeth, and attempts to make it seem as if she is going to bite Ayden's head off. Ayden finding this all so funny!

Back to my day...waking up to lovely sounds of Ayden screaming, "M-A-M-A-D-A-D-A", and Lyla squealing to be fed; get us dressed to drive Rob to work, as Ayden says..."Dada is a psycho"; get home to let the cleaning ladies in to the house, thank goodness for them! Back out to the Y for a quick run; then off to Target (OYE!); back home to give lunch to Ayden, and down for a nap (nap lasted only 20 minutes after I stupidly spoke too loud); then attempt blowing up a new baby pool bought at target, which does not work; off to the big pool, where we sneak in; a little treat for me at Ritas for water ice (YUM); home to meet other neighbors playing outside; I make dinner for Ayden, and try to eat on our little balcony (poor attempt); then back inside, and Ayden poops on the floor; bathe Ayden, Ayden pees in the floor; finally get Ayden to bed with one of our favorite books, Art. And now it is my time. My only time to think, breathe, and reconnect with myself. Shower, write, eat, watch 'So you think you can dance', and sleep. AHHHHHHH.

I look at this picture and see Ayden's big blue eyes staring up at me while uttering, "mama, mommy, m-o-o-o-m." My heart melts and at the end of the day, even though my son has turned into Denice the Menace, I can truly say it is all worth it. A picture is worth a thousand words.

Looooooooong day

Today seems like one of those REALLY long days where you just can't wait to be in bed and know that tomorrow will be here. I hate to think like that.... living in the future. I strive to be in the moment, but it is so damn hard sometimes. Especially with a 2 year old who has more energy then the energy bunny. I love that Ayden is so curious and full of such life, but it is draining sometimes and today is one of those days. I know I should be trying to rest or relax while he is napping but I feel I need to get stuff done and then I sit down at the computer and here I am. I don't know which is more of an asset for me right now, but I chose this and so I am trusting this is what will help me feel more grounded. And when Ayden awakes we will start over again. Hopefully I will have more vitality and we will go on our way finding things to do or errands to run to entertain both of our souls, bodies, and minds.

Here I go...

My first attempt at the true world of blogging. I thank my good friend, Sachi. I am very excited and nervous at the same time. Almost like when I found out I was pregnant. I said almost. Same general feelings just A LOT more muted. I think this can act as a wonderful tool to document my life as it is in the moment in a way that I am not able to otherwise. And...I can share my thoughts and feelings with my friends and family near and far. Maybe they will get to know me and I can get to know them in a more intimate way from a distance. Kind of makes sense, but not really. Funny how technology brings us together yet keeps us physically apart. It works as a nice boundary...a protective shield. Yet, we are able to divulge more of our subconscious selves out this way. Hmmmm.


This is Ayden on his 2nd birthday. We spent the day celebrating with him at Sesame Place. It was an amazing time. I not only was able to share in the fun of going on water slides and other amusement rides, I also saw Ayden just being himself...happy and simply enjoying life to it's fullest. It was a beautiful thing. I realize how I once could sit for hours playing with just one inanimate object as I found different ways to play, be, and imagine with it. It truly is amazing how simple things we use or see in our daily lives can bring such joy and pleasure. I need to remember to do this every day!