It's a boy...

It is truly amazing how so many unexpected feelings and emotions are experienced from pregnancy and motherhood. This time around I was shocked by my reaction to what sex I was having. I never thought I would feel so consumed by my feelings over the fact that I am having another boy. I thought I would be elated to know Ayden was going to have a brother to play and grow with. Yet...I was preoccupied by the idea in my mind that I tried for a girl, and so I should have a girl. Oh, the things we can't control, and when they control us it feels like we have lost everything. I had hopes of adorning a baby girl with all the precious girlie clothes, dolls, and toys. My dreams of sharing in spa days, flick chicks, and handing down my over 200 barbie doll collection to her was destroyed. Not to say a boy may not be interested in these things, but from my experience so far I am alone in this arena. And then there is the idea of how can I love another boy the way I love Ayden? How can he be as adorable, and handsome, and smart? I sat with these feeling for 2 days, while I continued to struggle with the idea of how I could continue to be a good enough mother and person. Feeling I could simply just not do it anymore. Talking to friends and family who had experienced similar feelings felt reassuring, but didn't take away the sadness. I needed to be reeled back in and remember that some of the feelings are very real, yet these too were exasperated by my hormones taking over my body every day. I realized that even though these feelings needed to be experienced, I also had to get my life back and take control over my mind. So...I took the step to help myself and reach out for the support I needed, and it was there to be that voice inside of me that was there all along, yet not ready to be heard. And with a few simple words of acceptance for what I was experiencing, and knowledge of the strength I and us all have inside, I was ready to move on. And I did. I am more joyful now, and excited at the arrival of this new addition to our family. I not only have had the opportunity in the creation of such an amazing child already, I can not imagine what is to come. With all the hardships, and sleepless nights we have ahead of us there is nothing more miraculous then a child. I am so blessed to have been given the opportunity for one, and now another. As my teacher said to me..."as they take everything from you, they also breath life back in fuller and stronger."