Energy flows

This previous weekend I received the beautiful gift of Reiki. I was initiated into an amazing and very powerful energetic practice. It was a rough, very rough, few days leading up and coming out. But, as I am beginning to feel my energies shift and the toxins leave my body I am feeling more enlightened with every moment. It is a challenge for sure, but none the less I feel amazingly blessed.  I am learning how to control and release a powerful energy, a gift of healing, and so I spiral up in my journey in this life.

Remembering 9/11

 I heard loud bombs and looked outside my window. Fire was escaping windows as people were jumping from the highest windows of very tall buildings. Fear overcame me and I awoke in a cold sweat yelling. This was my nightmare that became reality on the very same day. I was living on 33rd and  1st st. in NYC and working as an art therapist at Bellevue Hospital on the day we were attacked by horrid crimes of terrorists. The weather was strangely beautiful that day. I arrived for my work day at the outpatient addictions clinic as if it was any other day. Although my intuition and previous nights sleep were telling me otherwise. I had been so bothered about my nightmare that I was retelling my story to one of my friends/co workers on the unit as one of the other staff members entered the room. She interrupted me to tell us how she just heard Howard Stern joking about how one of the twin towers was hit by a helicopter. She was almost laughing about how this was so far fetched. My body began to shiver and I immediately went into paranoid panic mode. I turned to my friend and said this was real and we were being attacked by Arab terrorist. After living in Israel for 4 months and attending a Jewish day school I was very attune to the hate and no fear of death mentality others could have. My friend looked at me and laughed. 10 minutes later our supervisor came running in crying while telling us to turn on the radio. IT WAS REAL! It was the first tower that was being hit when Howard Stern made his 'joke' and now it was the second. I went into help mode. Everyone was trying to contact their loved ones and all I wanted to do was be there to run a group for the patients to process what was happening. So I did. And all I recall were blank stares and disbelief. We soon needed to evacuate and that is when I went into survival mode. How do I get in touch with my loved ones? Where do I go? Do I know anyone near the area? My boyfriend (now husband) at the time was in SW school at NYU. He was closer then I was to the towers and I had many many friends living right near there. I needed to get down there, but how?? As we left the hospital all I could see was smoke and masses of people running in my direction. The smell of smoke began to permeate my nose. I began to follow the crowd and I ended up at the only place I could think to go. My home only a couple of blocks away. I did not know if my boyfriend would be there but I just knew that is where I needed to be. Instead of going to my apartment I went to the roof so I could see from a higher point. Not too long after I arrived there, my boyfriend and best friend appeared. I can not describe the relief and comfort I felt when I saw their faces. I ran into my boyfriends arms feeling that  I never ever wanted to leave his side. Then I got a phone call. No one could get though to anyone and I got one phone call.  I answered my cell phone and all I heard was sobbing. "Oh my dear Suzanne, you are alive!" It was my grandfather. The next words out of his mouth..."This is as bad as Pearl harbor." and the phone cut off. The 3 of us stood there as if we were watching a horror movie. It was so surreal. People jumping from windows and slowly the 2 towers vanished. Then the aftermath of waiting to hear if anyone we knew was killed. I did not know who I would know but I felt in my gut that this was not over. The phone call came the next day that one of my dear friends, Pete Alderman, from my under grad was missing and that he had been in the towers that morning. We did not know for sure, but we all assumed he was no longer with us. Follow the link for his story. I am coming to a pause at the moment. I feel this overwhelms me as does this day and so I may need to finish my story at another time. I love you Pete and will never forget 9-11.

When is it my time to cry?

To be given permission, space, and time to let it just flow. In my case it could be more like pour. The exhaustion and drain from the week all released from every cell in my body. Instead I sit here tense listening to the screams and cries of my 5 month old as we attempt a nap. As he begins to quiet I then again tense up with the fear that my 3 year old will make a noise and get the baby started all over again. how I long for a moment to breath with no tension or worry. 'Ah cunamatata'.  And then when I get that moment it all seems so simple and possible. It is as they say...easier said then done. Breath, just breath!