My resolutions

To be Happy. To be Healthy physically and mentally. To embrace LOVE, LAUGHTER, and PASSION! To accept people for who they are, acknowledge their fears, and be kind yet aware. DO THINGS FOR ME!!!!! Remember and revel...I have all I need, and beyond that is true bliss. LOVE LOVE AND KEEP LOVE ALIVE! HAPPY 2010. I feel this is going to be a new year to a lot of inspiration and good times for all. XOXOXO truly, creative hearted

A matriarch

My family Tree

What is a matriarch? A mother, a leader, a role model, a strength, a believer...

It is so easy to get caught up in the "mommy/parenting world". I find I attempt to be someone else. Someone I see at the market, on t.v, in a book, at school, a friend, a blogger, or even my own parent. I don't want to be just another cookie cutter mom that I see so many of, and yet I admit I fall prey. I find myself obsessing over how I can be better then or as good as these other moms... have what they have for their kids, do what they do for their kids, or be who they are to their kids. Should I be working? Should I remain a stay at home mom? Should I have help? I feel as if I will never be able to provide enough for my children. I recognize this is not reality and that I am creating these issues for myself, and I see other moms struggle with this as well. It is like a black hole of destruction, causes more damage to us all rather then allowing ourselves to be the person we truly are. The one person we do know best and should trust best. Believe in our own selves. I can only be a true matriarch when I be me, and rise above all the bull shit I create. Then and only then do I notice this beautiful rippling effect it has on my children, husband, and everyone around me. No one is perfect. And no parent is perfect. We are inevitably going to screw up our kid some way or another, but that is what gives them character. When we lose our sense of selves by trying to be something we are not this only takes away our souls and our children's souls. I need to be reminded of this often and writing it here will reinforce this for me. I can look back on this post and be reminded to let go of all the bs and just be me. The matriarch I know I am.

Snow magnificent snow

Our first real snow day of the season. What to do? Take some photos of the boys frolicking and exploring another one of natures beauty.

Fear

Do one thing every day that scares you

--eleanor roosevelt

Just Dance

and everything will be just fine.

Refresh the spirit, renew the mind.

Oh how this was so needed and appreciated! Love love love hiking!!

The Power of a Shower

Hydrotherapy. Since I have not had the opportunity to go for many runs these days, and my yoga practice is down to 1x per week. I am in need of finding alternative outlets to find sanity away from the insanity. So I took a long shower this morning and really allowed myself to feel the water's effect on my body. Another beautiful healing quality to nature.

Going Inwards

I have been finding myself really looking inwards these days. Mostly due to the change in seasons. As it gets colder I am bound to be indoors more, the darkness is falling earlier, and I am doing less socializing due to the previous transitions. As I am turning inwards I am looking at me, my relationship to others, and where my journey is to lead me next. I find myself becoming overwhelmed and anxious as to where my path is leading these days, yet when I begin to meditate on this I find it best to just be. Allow the flow to happen rather then make it happen. How many times have I heard or read this? Is it finally sinking in? Are those seeds that were planted starting to sprout? A friend of mine mentioned to me the practice of Kabbalah a while back. At the time I was so consumed with my newborn and managing the 2 boys I could not focus on anything else. When my husband came home the other night to tell me about Gwyneth Paltrow's blog, goop, I quickly became hooked. And then I came upon a couple of interesting articles with a kabbalist's perspective, and I found myself very intrigued. And there it was. May be where my path is leading me, maybe not. We shall see. It is funny how life just takes you where it needs to.

Energy flows

This previous weekend I received the beautiful gift of Reiki. I was initiated into an amazing and very powerful energetic practice. It was a rough, very rough, few days leading up and coming out. But, as I am beginning to feel my energies shift and the toxins leave my body I am feeling more enlightened with every moment. It is a challenge for sure, but none the less I feel amazingly blessed.  I am learning how to control and release a powerful energy, a gift of healing, and so I spiral up in my journey in this life.

Remembering 9/11

 I heard loud bombs and looked outside my window. Fire was escaping windows as people were jumping from the highest windows of very tall buildings. Fear overcame me and I awoke in a cold sweat yelling. This was my nightmare that became reality on the very same day. I was living on 33rd and  1st st. in NYC and working as an art therapist at Bellevue Hospital on the day we were attacked by horrid crimes of terrorists. The weather was strangely beautiful that day. I arrived for my work day at the outpatient addictions clinic as if it was any other day. Although my intuition and previous nights sleep were telling me otherwise. I had been so bothered about my nightmare that I was retelling my story to one of my friends/co workers on the unit as one of the other staff members entered the room. She interrupted me to tell us how she just heard Howard Stern joking about how one of the twin towers was hit by a helicopter. She was almost laughing about how this was so far fetched. My body began to shiver and I immediately went into paranoid panic mode. I turned to my friend and said this was real and we were being attacked by Arab terrorist. After living in Israel for 4 months and attending a Jewish day school I was very attune to the hate and no fear of death mentality others could have. My friend looked at me and laughed. 10 minutes later our supervisor came running in crying while telling us to turn on the radio. IT WAS REAL! It was the first tower that was being hit when Howard Stern made his 'joke' and now it was the second. I went into help mode. Everyone was trying to contact their loved ones and all I wanted to do was be there to run a group for the patients to process what was happening. So I did. And all I recall were blank stares and disbelief. We soon needed to evacuate and that is when I went into survival mode. How do I get in touch with my loved ones? Where do I go? Do I know anyone near the area? My boyfriend (now husband) at the time was in SW school at NYU. He was closer then I was to the towers and I had many many friends living right near there. I needed to get down there, but how?? As we left the hospital all I could see was smoke and masses of people running in my direction. The smell of smoke began to permeate my nose. I began to follow the crowd and I ended up at the only place I could think to go. My home only a couple of blocks away. I did not know if my boyfriend would be there but I just knew that is where I needed to be. Instead of going to my apartment I went to the roof so I could see from a higher point. Not too long after I arrived there, my boyfriend and best friend appeared. I can not describe the relief and comfort I felt when I saw their faces. I ran into my boyfriends arms feeling that  I never ever wanted to leave his side. Then I got a phone call. No one could get though to anyone and I got one phone call.  I answered my cell phone and all I heard was sobbing. "Oh my dear Suzanne, you are alive!" It was my grandfather. The next words out of his mouth..."This is as bad as Pearl harbor." and the phone cut off. The 3 of us stood there as if we were watching a horror movie. It was so surreal. People jumping from windows and slowly the 2 towers vanished. Then the aftermath of waiting to hear if anyone we knew was killed. I did not know who I would know but I felt in my gut that this was not over. The phone call came the next day that one of my dear friends, Pete Alderman, from my under grad was missing and that he had been in the towers that morning. We did not know for sure, but we all assumed he was no longer with us. Follow the link for his story. I am coming to a pause at the moment. I feel this overwhelms me as does this day and so I may need to finish my story at another time. I love you Pete and will never forget 9-11.

When is it my time to cry?

To be given permission, space, and time to let it just flow. In my case it could be more like pour. The exhaustion and drain from the week all released from every cell in my body. Instead I sit here tense listening to the screams and cries of my 5 month old as we attempt a nap. As he begins to quiet I then again tense up with the fear that my 3 year old will make a noise and get the baby started all over again. how I long for a moment to breath with no tension or worry. 'Ah cunamatata'.  And then when I get that moment it all seems so simple and possible. It is as they say...easier said then done. Breath, just breath! 

Beauty is everywhere...

We spent the morning in our back back yard where there is an elementary school with a huge field. These are the beautiful things I saw. What do you see?

Taking care of ME

So much has been going on here that I have totally neglected me. How can I be a good parent, wife, friend, person if I am not tending to me first? So...after I get my feet on the ground and a little more settled into this new home. I vow to do something to nourish my soul and body. And I think I may have a few ideas.

1. digital photography classes

2. learn how to make jewelry

3. take refresher courses a new courses in art therapy/psychotherapy/play therapy

4. garden

And for making myself feel pretty

1. hair cut

2. massage

3. weekend away with my hubby

It feels good just writing it. Ooooh and I must not forget how I one day want to try to do a mini triathlon. I need to get back to running first. 

Boys

Pack it up, pack it in

Family art night 2. Ayden created his own special box as Rob and I created a joint one. During these nights Ayden will find a material to give to each one of us to wear as we are creating. Last week were sunglasses, and this week were star stickers.

Drumming Clouds

Bang. The thunder roared and Quinn woke up next to me with his eyes wide open and arms flared out. I heard a big thump from upstairs a door swing open, and running feet against the carpeted hardwood floors. Rushing downstairs flew Ayden crying, "Mama, what was that? " And so I explained..."it is nothing to be scared of just drumming on the clouds above us." 

Fun Slide

Seems like I ride this every day

up and down we shall go

Down low things appear so close and confined. The wheel turns as we go higher and higher up up up  looking down at the world below us. All thoughts and issues seem to become so far in the distance. What a way to live. High above it all. Nothing can reach us here, we are carefree surrounded by clouds. It's just you and me kid.

nachos, tacos, and mandalas

After reading one of my dear friend, sachi's, post about creative family night I could not resist. So, we decided to start our own tonight. Beginning our night with make your own nachos and tacos and then onto the art. We each created a mandala to go in the art room of our new home. Ayden was a bit wacky during the art making. I was surprised because I always found art to calm children and people in general. Then I realized ever since Quinn was born we have not had many opportunities where we are together as a family doing an activity while being engaged with Ayden. I have noticed that on those occasions Ayden becomes VERY excited, which elicits a hyper and excitable anxiety in him that he had tonight. Interesting how he created what looks like a face with stars as eyes. LOVE IT!!!

Happiness...

Rob came home early from work tonight, which rarely if ever happens. The boys were ecstatic and I was too. With all the changes going on in our lives between Quinn's birth, selling, and buying a new home. Life has been a bit chaotic and we have all been feeling the brunt of it. 

Magic of endorphins

As a child running for me was just another activity. It was almost a chore. I felt I had to run because my older sister ran cross country, so naturally I would follow in her foot steps. I learned as I got older that didn't need to be the case, and I found running on my own time to actually be more of a release for me. I even attempted to train for a marathon. Making up to a little over 9 miles I injured myself and stopped all together. Then after having Ayden I found a new relationship with running. I began running for me and not for others or to compete. I had acquired a new love.  I would feel lost and depressed if I missed more then 2 days in a row. While pregnant with Quinn I had to stop when I was experiencing bleeding during my first trimester. I was so sad but kept on walking. And oh how good that felt. After 3.5 months post birth I finally found the time to begin again. That first day out was AMAZING! I felt like a new woman. My head became clearer and clearer, by the end I was weeping with joy at how beautiful life is and all the wonderful blessings I have around me. It was as if all those moments of stress and tension that accumulate as the day progresses just disappeared in one quick 20 minute run. Today I went out for an early morning jog and I reflected on how much my running life has changed through the years. I was easily able to run straight for almost 30 minutes. It was like an old friend. You can not talk for years but when you see one another it feels like you were never apart. And when I was climbing that dreaded long hill up and feeling like oh this is going to be hard my mantra kicked in...if I could give birth twice I can do anything! 

To be young again...

and continue to go...

I had always wanted a house that was quant and charming with a front porch where I could have a a big swing. Strange how with our year long search those homes just seemed to not fit our lifestyle, and even more interesting that we ended up on the house that is almost identical to the house I was born and raised in. Maybe our second home someday or in my next life  

Oh the places I have gone...